Ugh

today was okay, ran around with my mum to stores and it was fine...

 

an hour ago I was told yet again that I wasn't giving Bella the love that she needs and I call total bullshit I love her rub her and do anything she wants, I love her with all my heart  but just because I don't spoil her rotten doesn't mean I don't love her and she doesn't love me 

 Just because I don't let her eat my food doesn't mean I don't love her.

 I'm so sick of my parents telling me that I don't love Bella just because they never see it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

 Am I strict with her? Yes.    Do I scold her once in a while? Yes

 But it's  not all rainbows and butterflies it's about really training your dog 

 Bella hasn't fully grasp the idea of being potty trained in that's OK all dogs are different she knows how to sit in laydown and partially not jump up on anybody  and she knows the word No

 Now I'm laying up in my bed crying because I'm tired of people tell me I treat her badly it's already bad enough that I have to hear every impurity from my mom that I have and yet she can never say something nice about the way I look it's all about how much I weigh or what my teeth look like or what my hair looks like or what I smell like.  It's never you look thinner today or your teeth look so much better than they did a month ago or your hair just looks immaculate  or oh my God those photographs look amazing,  I never hear that from her. 

 And now I'm not going to the lake because I feel so depressed and so itty-bitty compared to what my mom present to me to be and I just don't feel like doing anything with anyone all I want to do is just sleep in my bed for days on end and not have to deal with anybody like this is how my mom is 

 Oh Jessica you look so that "we need to go to the gym"[ she hasn't gone to the gym in months ] and get in shape.

[ after I discipline my dog after she does something bad ]

 Jessica you are so cruel to her,  just give her away to a family who will treat her right 

 When we get in fights she will act like the biggest bitch in the world and tell me that I am one of the worst children she's ever had and that she doesn't know what to do with me anymore and that she wishes that I was more like my brother [ then no longer than 5 to 20 minutes later ]  oh Jessica we should do our nails and watch some movies together 

 One minute she's really nice and then another and then she's bat shit crazy and then goes right back to being nice like nothing ever happened.  I call it emotional whiplash 

 I always get the feeling that she so disappointed in me all the time and that she wishes I was more like her when she was my age.  Every other day it's your weight this in your weight that,  she's always telling me all Jessica I'm better than you are and she isn't she's about almost 60 pounds heavier than I am maybe even more and that she's telling me I need to work out I'm the only one that's going to the gym I am your only one that's walking in the morning I am the only one who is making a difference in their body and the way I eat.  Every time I see her room it's full of Russell Stover's dark chocolates and candy and she's always drinking milk all the time and chocolate milk and it's really bad stuff and then she gets onto me about eating one piece of chocolate that I really enjoyed once a week and then goes on to say that I'm a closet eater.  I've always been a nice starter the obedient daughter the oh yeah I'll do this for you I'll do that for you daughter yet I get no credit for anything.  They've told me to be more independent and stuff like that and when I do I get yelled at for not helping out everyone else.  Like I will put off doing my laundry so my parents can do laundry but nope I have to do their laundry and I always try to push them into doing their own laundry and then they always come back with well just cause you even have a job you can do our laundry because you don't have a job a real job and it's not like I can fight back with it because to get a job I need a card to get a car I need a license to get a license I need a permit and I had to go to each one of those stages and even then I'm still like I have a car for a while I'm still going to be opening them every second of the day and I'm not I don't mind obeying room it's just when I do it with a smug attitude like I have to do it or they demand me to do it like it's expected of me 

 

 And then they have problems with my boyfriend who comes over twice a week [no more]  because they think that he's the reason why I can't get things done and it's not true at all I don't just stand around and wait on the phone for him I don't do that shit anymore,  he comes over Wednesdays and Saturdays and I don't see anything wrong with those two days being my only days having people over and it just it's overwhelming to have so much on my shoulders that I just need  to have that release on those days and not feel guilty about it.

 

 

Late Intere 

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